Yesterday, I only have less than five hours of sleep before heading to morning class. Not because I don't want to sleep but is I can't. I didn't know seeing him can affected so greatly. I even have the urge to text him telling him didn't expect to see you in school, when all these is just an excuse for me to talk to him. I have this thinking that what if I drunk will he still care for me? But no, I won't do it for his attention Or concern At least, I don't behave like some girls out there who create so many unnecessary scene and act as if they are the innocent one.
I know I need to fk care and let go and carry on. But it is hard. So hard that is like trying to pick up a new skill or getting used to something.
Just give me the peace I need.

A.S
What are you thinking when you saw me on that day?

When now I'm abit calm, things started to stir up.

First day of school after cny break and I saw him in school. Yes, is him. My heart was beating fast and goosebump creeps in. The first time I saw him (not sure if he saw me), he was heading to the washroom and after that walked past to where I was sitting and return back to his class. The second time I saw him was during his break, after going for his toilet break and off to somewhere else, he said hello to me. That 'hello' wasn't awkward but I slightly turn and awkwardly wave. I didn't expect him to say hello to me, acknowledge my existence. The way he say as usual how he tease me, and pretend nothing happen. 

I don't know how he did it but he somehow just act like nothing happen. After that, I have flashbacks during proj meetings and can't seem to focus. When I was alone, I keep recalling what exactly happen. I hate it when I am trying my very best to sort things out and it messed up again. 

Many unnecessary thoughts keep evading and I just feel so fk up. 

How can he just pretend nothing happen? How can he just forget everything and carry on?

So many "how can he" questions I have been asking myself. Does he even know how much my heart breaks into because of him?

And yes, tears again. I so tired and just want to focus on my studies. 

Just no more relationship tease please.

Even if I don't feel moody, he still appear in my mind. Is like becoming a habit which I fear of. Sometimes I didn't even think but it jist appear.Situation which my sub-conscious mind telling myself how nice if he is here etc. Tests and assignments due dates are just round the corner and I know this is when I shouldn't lose my focus. I shouldn't let it affecting my studies which is far way more important.

120 days is all I need to get over and move on. Basically this is the average days people get over another. Hopefully, it works for me or even better less than 120 days. 

75 more days for me. 

I thought I feel much better and emotionally more stable but I guess not. I'm just going into another phase or whatever you called.

I felt empty and realise I begin to miss him more. I have been trying my very best telling myself not to think about him even though my mind just wander to him and everything concerning him. I really want to hear his voice again, read his texts again, and see him again. I can't deny these as I know it's a fact.

I feel so wtf and I just don't know who to look for to give me more guidance.  Crying has been a normal situation now and I'm used to it finding myself crying regardless night or day.

Maybe he just magically forget everything and carry on with his life. Or he thinks that its just nothing. Whatever he think, I do want to know how he felt when someone mention my name. Or maybe he just feel nothing. He just appear in my mind anytime, anywhere. And how I wish I can remove it but I can't. Did he even have the urge to text me to know how I have been doing?Did he know what he did can make a girl went heartbroken and moody for months? There are so many questions I would like to ask but no way I can find answers to it. If he text me, how would I feel? I don't know. I find bits and pieces of him in every song, every article. All these bits and pieces tears my heart bit by bit and making me worse.   

The only thing I can assured is my heart is still shattered and is still with him.

Its almost been a month since school starts. I never see him in school compound. Should I count myself lucky? Whenever I'm in school, I never fail to search for his sight. During breaks, walking to class or waiting for bus. Even when my friends talked to me, my eyes tend to search for him. There are times when I will think what will be his reply if we were just casually texting each other like how it used to. I can still visualise how he will tease me but making me laugh at the same time. Till now, I never see myself laughing like that again. Laughing till my stomach hurts even is just through texts. I forget how it feel like laughing until you are going to cry. Now, I just cry.
 Call me stupid but yea I do still have the urge to text him. Every night, I will think of him and I will find myself trying to sleep. I don't know what is he thinking when we were crossing the line but I know it's not right. Perhaps is just a relationship tease but to me is not. I will find pieces and memories of him everywhere I go. And I need to breathe in and stop thinking.
I used to like one song and I remember how I disturb him with this song. And apparently he helped me to download this song. But, I do not have the courage to listen to it anymore, not anymore. I am scared what if I break down again and I need to find myself emotionally stable. No one can help, only me myself can help. I have lost my courage and laughter.

You still make me laugh even though you make me cry.