31/01/2015-
 The first month of 2015 has past, meaning its been a month we contact each other regardless anything. I still have alot to say to you. The chance of you reading this post is very slim or you won't come across this at all.

Hi.what an awkward hi as we never start our conversation like this before. How's school for you? Is it very different from uol? Managed to make any friends or you are still sitting along at a corner in the lecture hall. How funny when we were so closed and now both of us are not even strangers. I still heard things about you from our mutual friends and all I can reply is "haha" to hide any feelings. So how about you? Tell me how you feel when somebody mention my name in front of you. Do you feel the same as I did? Or do you feel nothing? Nothing at all. Or you only feel something when her name is mentioned?
I still do miss you, honestly. I am so tired from all those days not socialising at all but just keep on thinking about you but I still did. Morning when I woke up and you are the first in my mind. Before I sleep, you are the last in my mind. Going to school and flashbacks occurs. You are the first one i met who gave me things and feelings that nobody doea before.I wanna just erase everything concerning you but my heart and mind fail to do so. You said of course we will be friends still but are we behaving like one?  I don't know when I will win the war.The war against memories.
I wonder what will we be like now if I never send that message to you? Will we still as close as ever? When will be the time when we both can sit down and eat together and laugh together. I don't know when or maybe it won't happen. But I hope it will. I lost a friend. A friend who truely understand and bring me laughter. A friend who take care of me and help me. A friend who calm me down whenever I panic.  But I don't like leave things hanging down there and pretend nothing happen at all. That's why I sent you that message. I know the consequences of sending you that text is very big and my heart will not heal in months time. Still, I choose to send. if there's a time machine, I would like to rewind back to those times. Those times when me n you were laughing together, talking together , teasing each other, calling each other names. But there's no turning back.


I miss you
I really miss you.

Everywhere I go; there must be something reminds me of him. The song he introduced me is played on tv; mutual friend asking me if I meet him....
Today, when I wake up, first person come straight into my mind is him. That emptiness I felt inside is killing me. I want to know how he felt when somebody mention my name and maybe to him all these is nothing.

Thursday; the day which we normally had dinner and drink together after work. The day when we will talk and joke and disturb each other. Today is a Thusday but we no longer back to those days and behave like strangers.

It's been exactly one month since I last saw you.

How have you been doing?

A mutual friend of us mention him, saying should have tag along with them for lunch. I didn't reply or I don't know how to reply. I didn't know it can affect me so much by just hearing stuff like this. I never failed to not to keep a lookout in school though I know I will be recall those moments again. My heart sank again whenever I hear things about him or even his name. I know this sound like a fool but sometimes I wish he will text me asking how I have been or how's school. My tears never stopped before.


I miss you but I can't rewind back, right?

Every day, every night, I have the urge to text him, chat with him. But I can't do anything about it.
I was scrolling my social media newsfeed and saw him sharing a song. I listened to the song and googled the lyrics. The song was obvioisly for her, not me. But if I am the one who share the song, the song will not be for anyone else except him. After that day, I feel like a part of me is gone and I started to miss uncontrollably.
I will look at dates and suddenly will remember few weeks back, both of us still chatting happily and hanging out. While now both of us is just strangers or worst,worse than strangers.
What if I never send him that long text, what if I never tell him how I feel and my thoughts, will I be happier or more lost?
 Till today, whenever I received a text, I still have a glimpse of hope wishing is him asking how I have been though deep inside of me know, it wouldn't be be him. It never be him. How I wish to have a time machine to rewind back those times even though is just a period; those times at least I was happy. At least we are still talking.

 My heart is still shattered.

First time, feeling as if someone tear your hear apart, you are mentally restless, people talked to you and you just ignored.
First time, you stare into blank air and think of those memories though you tried your best to keep yourself occupied and started to cry.
First time, when you going out and you are trying to find his sight among the crowd.
First time, you feel like seeing him but you fear of seeing him.
First time, when you are going to sleep but you can't sleep and you just thinking all the moments with him and started to cry.
First time, you didn't know your tears can keep on rolling and you just couldn't stop.
First time, you know how not worth it to think but you still miss him and recall every single moments.

First time, you know how much a person can affect you so much.

 Sometimes,it not how long it counts but is those attach with the person that counts.

I asked myself, do I still want to talk or hang out with him. The answer is yes. I asked myself, will we be just like how it used to be. The answer is no. I do have the urge to text him "I miss you" but I can't. I wanna talked to him regardless of anything or using them as excuses just to talk to him. I guess I'm just too attach to him.
He is one of the very few who can calm me down with few words and encourage me at the same time. I do not need to explain much whatever I told him. He straight away get what I'm trying to say and give me advise. He never fail to make me laugh even through texts, days when I can laugh really hard by reading his replies. He will say he will bring me whenever he had something nice, he said he will bring me to explore after school but I guess its now just a dream. A dream that cannot be reach. Yes,I'm in no position to be say anything cause in the first place, both of us are nothing. That's the part hurts most. I'm in no position to be jealous or angry. Or maybe I don't even have the right to miss him.

He is someone that I don't think I can find anymore.

I wonder

Have you ever think how I felt
Have you ever think if I'm alright now
Have you ever recall all the memories because I do, many times
Did you know what went wrong
Did you know what  makes me cry so hard and till now I can't get over it
Did you even think for a split second what I m doing now because I did
Or
Did you think of me even for a split second.

Because I do

Blame it on my stupidness.

 

Yes,blame on me.

 I always thought he will be one of the very best guy friends I have as we really get along each other and how we laugh and tease each other. However, things turn out to be miserable for me. We already cross over the line and I don't know I am so used to his company and presence. Friends of mine told me the ugly truth and how I keep on telling myself maybe he is not what they said. I admit how selfish I was when we spent time together as I felt happy. In the middle, there are a couple of events going on. So,I decided to confront.  His reply was disappointing to me, as he was avoiding. He said we will still be friends. But, I know it won't happen. I really miss his texts,his jokes,his everything. How we tease and disturb each other,eating nice food together. I miss those impromptu hang-out.  I miss how I laugh really hard at his jokes even is from text messages. I don't know how long will I miss but at this time, I really,really wanna go back to when these things happened.
I really miss him and I don't know how.